1/13/14

I just don't understand the whole, "always cater to your man and submit to him so that he'll love you," thing. I don't need to be with someone who is so tender and insecure that I have to bow at his feet so he can have the confidence to be nice to me. I have my downs and insecurities also that I deal with. Those feelings have nothing to do with anyone's significant other. They have to do with what is inside each person and just like themselves. I cannot make someone like themselves. I can compliment them and show them I care but I wouldn't sacrifice all of my freedom as an individual trying to make them feel secure.

12/11/13

I feel like I keep having feelings for the same fucking type of guy and they always seem to not like me back. Why do I keep doing this? It is consistently happening. There is a type of guy that doesn’t feel like I’m even worth getting to know. I honestly repell them. But for some fucking reason I keep going for the same guy. I guess I can’t have a guy who is handsome, confident, funny, and philosophical. Is that just too crazy of a combination?

I have settled for the guy who wasn’t that attractive but amazing to be around. He was intelligent, nerdy, confident, and hilarious. I was in love with this guy. I thought for sure I would marry him and have his beautiful babies. That’s how much love. But his lows were fucking low. He stopped being nice to me or even noticing me anymore. He made a complete douche of himself that after months of tormented crying, I lost interest. His other qualities washed away and it opened my eyes to the fact that he wasn’t even someone I’m physically attracted to. Why go through all that torment for someone who isn’t exactly what you’re looking for? And then it scared me. I was almost going to be stuck with this asshole for life. An asshole who still tries to flirt with me 5 years later.

I have settled for the guy who wasn’t attractive or confident but he was funny and intelligent. I had never realized that drive was linked with confidence. How can I ever depend on this person to do anything correctly in their life when they are just so inconsistent?  Having some type of motive gets people places,  and someone who is not even confident enough in themselves to make an opinion would never get there. I didn’t date this guy long. He had nothing to stick around for. Barely even worth the title of ex.

I’ve also settled for the guy who wasn’t so much of a philosopher. He was attractive, moderately funny, and confident. He’s someone else I loved deeply and wouldn’t have minded marrying. He would tell me that he loved me so much that it actually made him sick. The lack of philosophical chemistry was hard to ignore. How can I ever fully get to know this guy if he wouldn’t just share deep thoughts with me? Could he even think and believe beyond what’s happening right at this moment? I had never imagined that there were people out there who are completely limited by their interests. They don’t want theories. They don’t want to really figure out why they are who they are without the influence of others. “My friends are like this; therefore, I must be like this. Even if I don’t agree with it.” I am an individual and I will not depend on a group to make all my choices. I will consult them for advice but I will still make my own decision. And he thought that was embarrassing. We got along so well but that one element just couldn’t be overcome.

Any guy I have ever met that seems to fall into each of these categories doesn’t want me back. Ever. They even claim to be looking for the exact type of girl I am. So what is it that turns them off? It’s easy to say for individuals that maybe I’m just not their type but every single time? Come on. They fit right into what guy I want. Why can’t I mutually find that with anyone? I really don’t think my expectations are even set that high. Just a perfect mixture of passion and compatibility.